It's been a weekend... good times and bad times. But even the bad times bring good times in the end. I went home to see Krissy, and when I got there they were finally letting her go home, praise God. On the way home from seeing her, I stopped to see Jim. I just felt bad it'd been so long and he is all alone. I know, I know. I should know better. I just can't see one person as a bad person. I don't think there is a such thing as an all around bad person. There has to be good in there.. I know it's OK for me not to see him, but I wanted to check up, kind of. This is this naive part of me, maybe it's naive and actually maybe it's not, that just seeks out the good in everyone. It feels like I have every reason in the world to run in the opposite direction from him, but I still want to show love even from a distance, forgiveness, and change. To forgive you need only love. To love is to sacrifice. To change is to admit and be willing. I have forgiven. There is so much love where it seems like no love would exist on my part- and I don't know why after all this time it still is that way. On the opposite end there is only blame, manipulation, hurtful words and condemnation. Some part of me thinks next time it will be different, but I think that every time. It is so hard to keep on loving in the midst of that. I went back to my mom, hurt, and she just says the best things. Not things I want to hear, things that are true. She wishes it didn't have to be that way, but she is glad that I am learning. Even though I got hurt for trying again, she is says she is glad to see the love in my heart. The desire to see good in people and potential for change- but we can't change others, they have to want to better themselves. It's true. I just don't get after everything she went through for over 20 years how she still has such a good and positive attitude about life and she is also one of those people that just looks for the good when all that is visible is the ugly. I admire that. I voiced to her that I am so scared of turning out like him. Blaming other people in the end. Never forgiving. Never being willing to admit the past even if it doesn't have to define me. She said I'm already different, that I'm like the way I say she is. I hope she is right. It's so easy to end up like what we're used to, even when what we're used to is wrong. In the end, it's over with Jim. It's OK to let go of people.. to continue loving but not from right by their side. It's OK to seek safety and healing. It's OK to stop trying so hard. There is only so much we can do. He's really on his own now.. no easy choice.

It was always hard dealing with the fact that he was a part of so much damage, but on the other hand, where one is weak another is strong. Look at my mom.. what a wonderful woman. I still don't get it.. but I praise God for the good in the midst of the bad.