what else is there?

Lately it seems like I've had so much on my mind I haven't been able to think straight. Life is wonderful, school is amazing and I am very blessed. I have really been considering what I want to do with my life and how I can use my spiritual gifts for God's glory. It seems like God reveals things to me a little at a time that make a big difference in where I'm going or what I should be doing and that's really okay with me. I love it when He throws things out there and I have to change my course because it's exciting to discover things and to be led, in a sense, when I am lost. Part of me just really wants to figure things out now so I don't have to turn around and go the opposite direction later, but it comes down to me really trusting Him with my life and understanding that I might not get it now but if I follow when He leads me and answer when He calls me, it is going to be very benefical.

Emotionally sometimes I think I am losing it. I guess joy is something I don't completely understand yet (I'm talking about joy from and for God). I that it is there more than anything- it's more than just a feeling- it does feel GREAT- but it includes having hope, faith/certainty, happiness and love. It is so strong a lot of the time that I feel like it is bursting out of me and I can't help but smile and I feel like I am shining. The reason it confuses me kind of is because I don't always know where it comes from. (Obviously from God, but I mean at random times it just IS there). This isn't going to make sense, but it seems like it's stronger when I am sad or going through a difficult time. It's not like I can't be sad, because joy is different than happiness, but it's never as intensly. All I know is that I'm very thankful that I have it and it only becomes stronger everyday- the more I learn and realize.

It's funny to me that I went to youth group for 4 years and was involved in every sunday school lesson, bible study, youth group attending and leading, trip, service or whatever- I took every chance I got- because I thought that by "doing" all those things I'd be closer to God. Don't get me wrong I was on a spiritual high for a lot of high school but I realized more when I came to LCC that those weren't the things that affected it. It was when I stepped away from all the group things and really looked at my personal relationship with Him. It is the time in a group where I stop and think about what everything means, what God deserves and all I have to give Him. It is that Bible study that is one on one where we search deep down into the word to understand what God is really telling us and how He is leading us rather than just skimming over it in my free time <- that sounds like I don't know how to read the Bible devotionally but what I mean is that sometimes when you read alone you still don't get it until you go over it and over it. Those are the things that just set me on fire.. because that is how I've realized more and more who God really is and what He has done and His call for my life. I am nothing. I am not special. I am just a sinner, someone so unworthy of it all. He is EVERYTHING, and there is nothing else. Nothing else matters. Even though I suck and don't deserve His grace, He is GOD and has given it to us all because He loves us. And understanding what that means is everything, too. He is so awesome and there aren't even words..

..There aren't even words.