...and I found Victory in Him

I wasn't going to put this in here but I feel like it's another important reason why God is so good.. and it's overcome- so here it goes...

I had no idea what to expect coming into Romania. There was a long time when I didn't even want to go on the trip but Sarah kept talking to me about putting my yes on the table (and now I am so glad I did). This school year was ridiculously hard, but it's over (PTL!). I had been battling depression, pretty hard, since my sophomore year of High School. This past semester especially I got really scared. I was afraid people would be able to look me in the eye and see what I was thinking or how I was hurting.. and know. What I was thinking was that I didn't want to do life anymore. It really terrified me to ever feel that way, and I always put it in the back of my mind because I knew better.. I knew God was on my side and He'd save me-and he always did. But the further on into the semester I got, the more I found myself thinking about it, and the more it scared me. I spent more time away from my friends because I didn't want them to ask me questions. I quit Pneuma because I knew my passion/joy was obvious to that family.. and they were going to wonder where it went. I even wondered.. and I was scared to death someone with discernment would identify my temptation so I wasn't going to have it. It was dumb to run when I'm sure they would only have wanted to help.. but that's what happened. I prayed about it a lot, but I don't think I ever gave it up fully. I tried to fight it myself but I wasn't strong enough. We, are never strong enough. I never realized how capable God is of victory over ANYTHING.. there came a point when I'd spend 2 or 3 hours thinking about what life would be like without me.. how it wouldn't matter or that I wouldn't be missed or just how things might be better if I wasn't around. I spent too many moments each day spacing out and thinking what I could or couldn't do. and there came a point in the beginning of May that scared me to death. I was hanging out with Sarah in her room that weekend because Michelle was gone but really I didn't trust myself to be alone. Just throwing this out here.. I'd never have the guts to do anything stupid to myself or hurt myself, and besides that I could never give up on God.. but the temptation was enough for me and there were points when I was really afraid I would- but yet I knew I wouldn't.. and I didn't know. I dunno if that makes sense but maybe it does to someone. I never told Sarah this until last week. She knew about this battle but I didn't tell her for months and months. And she's an amazing best friend by the way. I remember just telling myself to hang in there for another few minutes, then an hour, then a night.. and soon it was days and weeks. I remember thinking I don't know if I'll be around for Romania.. and I didn't care. And it was only 2 weeks away. That weekend was the all time low.. it's like God was telling me it has to get worse before it could get better, and I just have to endure it a little longer. It was as though He was saying Just hang on! Don't let go.. don't let go. I promise it's almost over. And I'm sitting thinking no, I really can't do this... I can't make it any longer I'm not strong enough.. I can't.. But I did. He helped me. So how does this relate to Romania...?

It was thursday night.. we were singing this song. Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city. And there is no one like our God (i think those were the words anyway). All of a sudden when I was singing.. I was filled with joy, passion and goodness unlike anything I've ever felt- ever. I was brought to tears but not like happy or sad tears, they were God in me tears. Really hot.. but good. and I thought of those precious girls I fell in love with- Tabitha and Sandra. And I thought of where God'd brought me and how he used me. And I felt suuuuuch a sense of purpose and reason (maybe more than I ever had). I just praised Him from somewhere deep in my heart with emotion stronger than I knew.. I can't explain it. It was the best feeling like in the world... ever. I really cannot describe in words how good it feels to have had that weight of dread, of fear, of worthlessness and ugly.. stupid unloved.. whatever.. on my shoulders for YEARS... and all of a sudden just have it lifted. I didn't realize for a few days.. but I knew I felt freakin awesome and asked what was different.. My body felt WAY better.. my spirit oh man.. strong and high and full of rejoice and awesomeness.. and I asked God what was different. This is what He told me (read it like it's God speaking):

"Thank you for holding on, I knew you could make it. It did have to get worse before it could get better. Remember when I told you "Just a little longer?" see? I meant it... it's over. Once you stopped trying to fight it on your own, I took over. Didn't you know I was strong enough? I love you.. and I never wanted to see you hurt like that. All those times you 'gave it up' it was never fully.. and I never liked watching you suffer but listen. Now you are stronger. Now you have joy beyond anything you've ever experienced. You have faith assurance that there is hope.. that there is light in the darkness. You know I am that light, and you know I can penetrate anything. You know there is always a reason and a way. You know your purpose, and you have a new defintion of love. I know you're wondering why you had to endure this.. think about your story. Think about how it might help someone else. You never thought you'd make it but here you are. You won't have to do this again.. it's over. You're ok, and I'm here with you, always. I love you.."

What a freakin' awesome God!!! I dunno how to explain but I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW it's over.. for good. I had this feeling all along .. i dunno that "hope in the darkness" that one day things would be better but I didn't want to believe it. Now I KNOW. I believe it, I am assured. Pretty much that night, that thursday and worship- most significant like ever to me.. That's the ONLY thing I needed.. the one thing I've craved and prayed for and hoped and desired and uh... God did it. It seemed impossible to me.. how silly.. and He kicked that crap out of satan and won. He is victory. I remember at fuel once, them going through the "I used to battle ____ but I fully surrendered it to Christ and I found victory in Him." RIGHT HERE! God is so big. Nothing is too big or too much or impossible for Him. NOTHING. I believe in healing, in forgiveness, in victory and strength and reason and purpose.. I believe in Him. I think anything can happen.. I've seen it. He's full of [awesome] surprises. I wish I could have told this story earlier. I was still afraid.. but God.. He is a sweet deal. I know my victory in Him should be shared.

*sigh* I pretty much feel (more than ever) thankful, hopeful, happy, joyous, full of praise, helpful, meaningful, loved, strong, needed, (that I have enough) worth, sense of reason and purpose, full OF LOVE.. and it's unending.. ready to be poured out.

I am so in love with God. I'm sitting here smiling and even laughing.. at life. I can't look back and understand how I've never felt this way before.. so good! I am praying that one day every person alive can see life in this way and understand.. it's all because of Jesus I'm alive.


and I am alive.