I'm not sure how or why it took me so long in my life to realize this, but I have one incredible mother. My mom is an incredibly strong woman. She is strong in heart, strong in perseverance, strong in love, strong in her work ethic. My mom is such a loyal woman. I really can't ever remember a time that I needed her and she wasn't there... if not physically, emotionally I knew she cared. And she was always honest. For a long time I didn't understand the depth of her love for me; it wasn't until I got older that I realized. I've walked with her through life, or rather she has walked with me. My entire life she has sacrificed so much for me. Growing up when I needed protecting, physically or emotionally, my mom defended me... even when I didn't deserve it. She never did lie to me though, and when I was wrong she would let me know so that I could learn, because she always wanted me to do what was right, what was true, and what was best. When I hurt, she hurt, but she helped me find healing. My whole life my mom has poured encouragement and praise into my life and reminded me I was doing a good job when all life fed me was lies. At a young age I became an over achiever because I felt like I had to please everyone, somehow, if I couldn't do that in other ways, but my mom loved me just the way I am, and while she was proud of my achievement she told me my grades and success did not define that. Success doesn't come from grades and things. I never had to earn her love, and I never will.
My mom has endured so much, for so long, and she is still pushing on with peace in her life. When she was 20 she entered a marriage that was physically and emotionally very dangerous, and got out of it fast. She didn't finish college but she worked so hard, for so long, and she has never stopped working hard even when everything might be going wrong. She's one of those people that can put on her work face and do her job when life hurts and you'd never know... and I love that about her. She was a stay-at-home mom until I was in 3rd or 4th grade, then she kept doing better and better at her job and advancing. Even though she didn't have some high paying job or a fancy title, she loved what she did and people loved her. I think they still love her. It's because she is fun and she puts her whole self into whatever it is she does. I never gave her enough credit for that. Sometimes people tell me I have my mom's work ethic... I don't know if she knows it, but that makes me really proud. I like being like her.
When I grow up and become a mom, I want to be like her. I want to always love my kids so strongly even when they "don't love me". I want to work hard so I can provide for them and give them a little extra even when it means I might be missing out on things... because if they are happy that is where my joy will come from. I want to build them up every day and listen to their days even when they drown on and on about pointless junk.. because it is their life and I love it. That's how my mom was to me. My favorite memories were sitting at the dining room table doing homework in junior high and telling her about my day. I don't know if she was always listening, but I don't think I ever said a single word without her truly hearing me.
I want to make my mama proud. I want to graduate strong, get my MA and do what I've always dreamed of. I don't know if all of my mom's dreams came true, but I think part of her dreams are watching ours come true. I want to show my mom I can be all I want to be, if I really keep on pushing even when it gets hard enough to make me want to quit. This past year, there have been SO many times I have wanted to quit. People close to me have tried to quit... but God didn't let them. Seeing my mom's response to that, and knowing all she has been through- and how if ANYONE in their right mind had a right to give up it was her, but she never did- that made me only EVER want to endure. No. Matter. What. I want to be strong like my mom. I want to have hope when no hope exists. I want to see light when all there is is darkness. I don't know where her hope comes from... but SOMETHING kept her hanging on all these years.
My mom put up with an abusive relationship for over 20 years so that WE would be alright. Thanks for providing mom. Thanks for enduring. Thanks for caring, for loving us enough to put us before yourself... and we turned out alright because you made sure we were alright. My mom lost her sister to cancer... and I think that's when I realized how much I love MY sister... she always told me I would hate my sister until probably I was in college and then she would be my best friend. I hope she's right. I want my sister and I to love each other as much as mom & Maggie did... they both fought such LONG, HARD battles. Maggie & mom were heroes. Maggie might have lost the battle... but she never gave up so in that way she won. Mom never gave up either. So they still are heroes.
My mom lost her mom last summer... and I have never seen her so sad. I can't blame her. Marie was the best mom on the planet. She is another story I will have to share someday... but my grandma is the definition of a good mom, and her husband a good dad. Mom had incredible parents.. I can't blame her for her sadness in losing them. But I realized... my grandma shaped my mom to be who she is. I want to be like my mom.
You know how you can learn so much from someone's mistakes? For a long time I was angry at my mom for her faults, for being weak.. but she never was. God gave her a wake up call in 2002 with her life on the line... but I don't really think that was her fault anymore.. I think it was HIS blessing. When I watch my mom learn, it teaches me things. Recently through talking to her... I have realized... I just want to know her so much more. I want to be so much closer to her. I want to learn from her and be guided by her and loved by her and do life with her. Now I am 21, she's not just my mom; she is my friend. There are no words for how much I love her. I just hope she's around for a long, long time. I love you, mom.
