Change

Getting ready to move over the last few months has been really interesting to me, mainly because I didn't feel a whole lot of emotion--and generally, I am really a deep feeler. It's like it wouldn't sink in what was really happening. I had interviews. I got the job. I was back and forth. Bringing boxes here and there. Saying goodbye to people. I still felt the same.

It's also interesting how so many things have been happening this summer, how many changes. I started a new job and I ended that job. I experienced welcoming my niece and nephew into the world and quickly falling in love with them. I got another new job in a place that while very familiar, is still very distant from me. There was a lot of unknown with what I jumped into (a lot I still don't know, and I move tomorrow!), but that never scared me. The whole time I've felt eager and ambitious. I was gone for a lot of the summer up at camp. It was easy to drown the world out back at home while I was there, and then I'd come home and get right back into the swing of things. Once our youth program SevenStyle Bootcamp was happening at church, there was no time to stop and think about anything. I was so busy I didn't take time to process.

There was one thing I struggled with internally the whole time.

Relationships.

It isn't hard for me to love people. I am a relational and loyal being. When I care, I care deeply and sincerely. That can be a good thing, and that can be a hard thing. I kept thinking about what was going to happen when I left. I didn't have a lot of time this summer, and I felt guilty for not always getting my priorities right. I felt a pressure to do as much as I could and keep as close as I could with my friends and family here, now, because once I leave it is going to be too late. All the while, I was so focused on that I didn't stop to think about what I was thinking or how I was feeling. It was as though I wasn't feeling. There was a tension inside of me. I felt like I should care more about leaving the people I love so much, like I should be sad that after all we've been through we won't get to experience life together as regularly. So I became angry. I became frustrated. I was frustrated that I couldn't let myself deal with what was happening. I was avoiding it. Avoiding the pain coming to terms with leaving what I know, what is familiar, what is comfortable, and what has been so REAL to me, all behind.

Up until yesterday.

I have a dog, Holly, who has been sick for quite a while, but it's gotten to the point where she is suffering so we decided it is the best decision to have her put to sleep. My mom and I have talked about the possibility of this for over a year, so it wasn't shocking to me. A little background, though. Before Holly, I never had a dog. There is something really special dogs, maybe it's that unconditional love. She's the sweetest thing, and I got through a lot with her by my side. I knew I cared about her, and I knew it would be hard to let her go, but that is when ALL this change became so real to me. I was confronted with the reality of what was happening. I said goodbye to my dog, got in the car to drive home and bawled my eyes out. Now I cry sometimes, but this was completely raw emotion. I don't think I've cried like that since someone close to me died. I even asked myself why I was feeling this so deeply, and realized THIS IS IT. Something WAS dying. I was letting go of Holly, yes, but that wasn't it. I was letting this "old life" be put to rest. I was in turn letting go of what of all I love here. Letting go of my friends here. Letting go of church. Letting go of comfortable. Letting go of familiarity. Letting go of routine. Letting go of consistency. Letting go of family. And letting go of living on memories and trying to keep everything the same up until the last second possible. I was confronted with my emotion, and God showed me THAT IS OK.
It's OK to feel.
It's OK to be sad.
It's OK to process.
It's OK.

So for the first time since last fall when all of this transition began, I really felt it. Like REALLY felt it. And for a few moments, a few minutes, I dealt with it. I released it. And then it was over, and I experienced a freedom I haven't felt for a long, long time. I felt like me again.

This is what it feels like to let go, and let God. To surrender, fully. To allow yourself to be real before God and even real with yourself. And it's good. This is all really good. Change is happening, and I will take it as it comes. I don't have time to worry because I will deal with what comes, when it comes. For now I am going to embrace this last day here, and have FUN, and remember why I loved all this. Moving away doesn't mean I have to stop having relationships with these people, it just means I can't be "all here" anymore. And that is healthy. I see that this is good, that what has been is good, and look forward to what is to come.

So today, I feel abundantly blessed. For all that has been, and all that is to come. My heart is full.