Still Small Voice

Lately I have been struggling through a LOT of scripture, concepts, and prayers. I do not ever want to (or want to try) to over analyze God in any way- his character, his purpose, his will, his instruction- but I don't always know where to stop with simplicity. One thing particularly that has been on my mind a lot lately is God's love, and how I desire for that to be enough for me. It is enough, but I wonder enough how. God's love is agape, it's infinite and unfailing, and God will never cheat on me or leave me... He's in it with me for life as long as I choose to love Him. That doesn't mean it's not a good thing for me to have people in my life to help me, to have fun with, to love- that's fellowship and a part of being one in a unified body of Christ. What I mean is I don't want to rely on other things for satisfaction or filling, I want to rely on God alone, and should those other things be a part, they are blessings. I see all of these things around me and I know God has a reason for blessing us with things aside from Him, things that are from Him, things to point us to Him. There is so much, so deep in my heart, my mind, my soul- not things that can just be said, things to struggle through. The concept of healing and praying and trusting, of faith and expectation, of our understanding and God's clarity... there are so many things. I just want to sit and read scripture for hours and hours and let Him speak to me. I do believe these things:

God's character is more complex than my understanding, but that does not mean He is a confusing God, rather that I am sometimes ignorant of all that He is. How could I not be? To know Him completely... can we even ever get there? I honestly don't know the answer to that question. But I know He knows me.

As far as confusion: God is not a God of confusion, so if I have prayed and I still don't feel that there is clarity, either I am missing something or God is not telling me for a reason...

If we pray and pray for something that seems within God's character, like healing for instance, and it doesn't happen, is that God's will? It goes against God's character for Him for His will or purpose to be for a person to suffer, that just does not make any sense. If it doesn't happen, does that also mean that we might be praying selfishly? One thing many of us have realized even this last weekend is that a lot of people who are friends of friends have cancer. LOTS and lots and lots. Many of them are young, some of them I know have died as young as 15. If we pray for a young person has not found salvation to know Christ intimately and/or be healed, how can that be selfish? I don't see how it can be selfish to want for someone to know God, or to not suffer...

These are things I have been struggling through with Christians here & there.. and I like it. I like trying to figure things out that we can't figure out because it draws me closer to God and helps me know Him more intimately. As far as all of this goes, for now it's a bit frustrating.... no one said understanding purpose or suffering was easy.... back to Compassion class. There is SO much to think about.

This reminded me of something we talked about at Fuel a few weeks ago (from Isaiah 30):
"God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,
has this solemn counsel:
'Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
in complete dependence on me—
The very thing
you've been unwilling to do.'
But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you.
He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones. "

Complete dependence on God.. stop trying to save ourselves.. that's something to contemplate. We need to wait upon the Lord and listen, and trust Him. What am I holding back at any given moment?

joy

It's little moments like the past hour that make me thankful for Lincoln. I love my roommate. I love the wise things she teaches me even though she doesn't realize it. It is so awesome being roommates with someone who is hilarious and fun but also spiritual in a way you want to learn from. She is LEGIT. I'm so sad we only get this semester together but heeeey it's great. I have an 8am class so it's ridiculous that I am still awake, but sometimes you just need to step back and look at your life, and praise God. There are so, so so many other things I am thankful for that just make me joyful and great... but not enough time to share. He is so good. I love the little things.

Reminders.

Tonight I learned a little about silence, when in those moments of stillness and quiet he spoke to my heart. He reminded me of so, so many things. He spoke to me about people in my life, about blessings that come from Him through others, and things he has blessed me with in my own life and character. He reminded me of ways that he works and how he saves. In those moments when you can't even feel anymore, and you just come and lay your life and everything before him- without any words or anything thoughts, just being in his presence- He moves. I realized how blessed I am. How thankful I am. How loved I am and how much love I have for him, for life, for others. When MOMENTS before I may have been feeling so beyond lost in chaos, I found myself feeling SO at peace, so good, and so assured that things are going to turn out great in His plan.. I stand amazed. I want to give Him more silence, I would suggest trying it, too. I have not spent nearly enough time listening.