Change

Getting ready to move over the last few months has been really interesting to me, mainly because I didn't feel a whole lot of emotion--and generally, I am really a deep feeler. It's like it wouldn't sink in what was really happening. I had interviews. I got the job. I was back and forth. Bringing boxes here and there. Saying goodbye to people. I still felt the same.

It's also interesting how so many things have been happening this summer, how many changes. I started a new job and I ended that job. I experienced welcoming my niece and nephew into the world and quickly falling in love with them. I got another new job in a place that while very familiar, is still very distant from me. There was a lot of unknown with what I jumped into (a lot I still don't know, and I move tomorrow!), but that never scared me. The whole time I've felt eager and ambitious. I was gone for a lot of the summer up at camp. It was easy to drown the world out back at home while I was there, and then I'd come home and get right back into the swing of things. Once our youth program SevenStyle Bootcamp was happening at church, there was no time to stop and think about anything. I was so busy I didn't take time to process.

There was one thing I struggled with internally the whole time.

Relationships.

It isn't hard for me to love people. I am a relational and loyal being. When I care, I care deeply and sincerely. That can be a good thing, and that can be a hard thing. I kept thinking about what was going to happen when I left. I didn't have a lot of time this summer, and I felt guilty for not always getting my priorities right. I felt a pressure to do as much as I could and keep as close as I could with my friends and family here, now, because once I leave it is going to be too late. All the while, I was so focused on that I didn't stop to think about what I was thinking or how I was feeling. It was as though I wasn't feeling. There was a tension inside of me. I felt like I should care more about leaving the people I love so much, like I should be sad that after all we've been through we won't get to experience life together as regularly. So I became angry. I became frustrated. I was frustrated that I couldn't let myself deal with what was happening. I was avoiding it. Avoiding the pain coming to terms with leaving what I know, what is familiar, what is comfortable, and what has been so REAL to me, all behind.

Up until yesterday.

I have a dog, Holly, who has been sick for quite a while, but it's gotten to the point where she is suffering so we decided it is the best decision to have her put to sleep. My mom and I have talked about the possibility of this for over a year, so it wasn't shocking to me. A little background, though. Before Holly, I never had a dog. There is something really special dogs, maybe it's that unconditional love. She's the sweetest thing, and I got through a lot with her by my side. I knew I cared about her, and I knew it would be hard to let her go, but that is when ALL this change became so real to me. I was confronted with the reality of what was happening. I said goodbye to my dog, got in the car to drive home and bawled my eyes out. Now I cry sometimes, but this was completely raw emotion. I don't think I've cried like that since someone close to me died. I even asked myself why I was feeling this so deeply, and realized THIS IS IT. Something WAS dying. I was letting go of Holly, yes, but that wasn't it. I was letting this "old life" be put to rest. I was in turn letting go of what of all I love here. Letting go of my friends here. Letting go of church. Letting go of comfortable. Letting go of familiarity. Letting go of routine. Letting go of consistency. Letting go of family. And letting go of living on memories and trying to keep everything the same up until the last second possible. I was confronted with my emotion, and God showed me THAT IS OK.
It's OK to feel.
It's OK to be sad.
It's OK to process.
It's OK.

So for the first time since last fall when all of this transition began, I really felt it. Like REALLY felt it. And for a few moments, a few minutes, I dealt with it. I released it. And then it was over, and I experienced a freedom I haven't felt for a long, long time. I felt like me again.

This is what it feels like to let go, and let God. To surrender, fully. To allow yourself to be real before God and even real with yourself. And it's good. This is all really good. Change is happening, and I will take it as it comes. I don't have time to worry because I will deal with what comes, when it comes. For now I am going to embrace this last day here, and have FUN, and remember why I loved all this. Moving away doesn't mean I have to stop having relationships with these people, it just means I can't be "all here" anymore. And that is healthy. I see that this is good, that what has been is good, and look forward to what is to come.

So today, I feel abundantly blessed. For all that has been, and all that is to come. My heart is full.

Seasons changing

My body is killing me. I haven't been able to eat hardly anything lately, my appetite has disappeared. I ate lunch at two today, and then had half a cookie for dinner at 8. I'm just not hungry. Maybe it's because I've been really busy and when I study I don't think about anything else. Maybe it's because of my health, which seems to be doing a lot better besides these headaches, or maybe it's because of the changing seasons.. or maybe it's because I have so many changes going on with being close to finished with college, running from place to place and trying to prepare for an overseas internship. I have no real idea.. but I don't feel stressed. I feel excited. It seems like fall was short lived this year, as it gets colder out and winter seems to be a lot closer than I had hoped. Fall is my favorite season, but it didn't seem all that colorful this year. I won't give up on it yet, though, Thanksgiving is still a month away. I can't wait for the holidays--especially December. I realize December is a month, not a holiday, but the whole month is filled with seasonal cheer, decorations and lights, and just this overall emotion that fills me with joy. I LOVE it. Christmas is my favorite. I wish we had more "excuses" to be merry, celebrate and get together for a month at a time.

Press On

I have been so sick feeling for so long... and every time the doctors have something to say. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome this summer... but it's so mysterious, I think it's just an excuse for doctors not wanting to look harder or just not knowing. It's hard because a lot of days I wake up feeling so sick to my stomach or just sick in general, and I can't eat- then I go to class and sit for 6 hours in the same room. It's OK though, because I know that we love and serve a God who is capable. In Matthew 7:7 it says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." God wants to help us. He WANTS to answer our prayers, to deliver us and heal us. I understand that my timing and wants and His timing and will don't always match up, but I still refuse to stop trusting that He will take this away from me or give me a way to treat it. And I refuse to stop praying, diligently, until He does. I will stand here til He moves, until He does something... I don't think that is stubborn, I think that's what we're called to do. What kind of faith would we have if we ask here and there a few times then give up? We have to pray adamantly, and trust. God is faithful. Thank You, Lord, for your faithfulness, Your power and Your love.... deliver me... I trust You.

The word of the day is restoration

It’s amazing what God can do. Period.

I’ve come to realize that even the ones who seem the strongest often wish they could understand things in a different way and are curious what they would do in someone else’s shoes. It’s a blessing to know that. It’s encouraging that sometimes when you're lost, others aren’t standing there giving you the easy answer, but instead willingly admit they also have no idea. And that is where God comes in. I’m confident that I don’t always have to have the answers, but I can wait upon the Lord for guidance and if I really let Him lead me, I will not be led astray. It’s great that God brings others into my life who can help me understand things, but I’m not stuck on finding someone to lead me or leading someone else—not that I think leadership is bad or wrong in any sense, but hear me out— in the bigger picture I’d rather we follow Him together.

So restoration… this is about to get personal. Kind of.
I grew up with violence all around me.

When I was 10 my best friend stabbed me in the shoulder, literally.
In 7th grade a girl stabbed me in the head with a gel pen.
At a park with friends one night a kid put a gun held to my head.
That same year during a fight a girl tried to put another girl’s head through a glass trophy case and pull it back out so it would cut her and kill her- her words, not mine. That was Huth.

A few years later someone I love was repeatedly abused physically and sexually by a guy who spent a lot of time in my house—my brother’s friend— and I was supposed to treat him with respect? One friend left feeling worthless, and this guy coming over and treating me like a piece of meat. My brother let it happen and I didn’t know how to get him to leave me alone. He never actually succeeded in doing anything to me, but mentally he scared me and made me uncomfortable for years. I can’t imagine how my friend felt. At home I learned by demonstration that men can hurt women and we can’t really do anything about it. By the way, cops don’t always believe you.

All around me people hit people or hurt them and treated them like crap as punishment, as if it was deserved, as if they were worthless. It was everywhere, and it was all I knew.
And then I had a friend who was brutally murdered.

P.S. I HATE violence. Verbally, physically, and mentally, even if it’s “playing”. And it’s been really hard not to hate people who inflict pain on others on purpose, especially when you see its full blown effects. But it’s not the people I hate. It’s the violence.
And I really don’t like it when people get loud and rowdy; not excited, but rowdy. I really don’t like it when people put their hands on me for a lot of previously mentioned reasons. Sometimes it makes me shut down. I don’t really like “hate”, either… just for the record.

All of these things having to do with violence had a lot to do with who I was when I came to college. That’s honestly all I knew, all I had been surrounded with, and that’s what I was used to. So, I looked at situations differently than others around me. I wasn’t a fan of put downs or crude/sexual jokes which surprisingly enough were all over Lincoln’s campus. So that made me “weak,” apparently. I think it’s just that I was living for something else, trying to live in love because that’s what we’re called to even if that’s not what we’re always surrounded by. But none of those people are bad people… we just didn’t see things the same way. And it wasn’t until I left Lincoln that I really felt like I was able to change, or to be changed. Finally able to expect something better in people. Finally reassured that genuinely gentle people actually exist.

First of all, it’s never anyone else’s fault how we end up. I can’t put blame on someone else for making me turn out a certain way. They might play a part, but I have the ability to choose how I go on living my life. Praise God for that realization. Second, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger... literally.

It’s incredible what God can do in you when you are surrounded by people who live in love all the time—even just a few of them. It’s even more incredible what God can do with your wounds, things that you feel like have shaped you in a negative way, and use them to do awesome, positive things with your heart and character. Pain can be changed to passion. He can fill you. He can grow you. He can heal you. He can make you strong when you used to feel weak. He can give you hope when you used to live in hopelessness. He can show you how to live the difference. He can be the light when all you see is darkness. He can stop your fear of being receptive. He can be your reason to live and move and breathe. He can give you fullness of life, let you truly feel alive. He can feed you and make you hungry for more. He can shut the door to your past. He can show you what love is. He can show you intimacy with Him. He can make you new. He can restore you.

And He does. That is just a taste.

Even over the past four weeks I think He has completely changed my outlook on life, view of myself, and that of others. I’m in love with Him and what He is doing in me. I’ve never more strongly desired to live for something in my life.

It's been a weekend... good times and bad times. But even the bad times bring good times in the end. I went home to see Krissy, and when I got there they were finally letting her go home, praise God. On the way home from seeing her, I stopped to see Jim. I just felt bad it'd been so long and he is all alone. I know, I know. I should know better. I just can't see one person as a bad person. I don't think there is a such thing as an all around bad person. There has to be good in there.. I know it's OK for me not to see him, but I wanted to check up, kind of. This is this naive part of me, maybe it's naive and actually maybe it's not, that just seeks out the good in everyone. It feels like I have every reason in the world to run in the opposite direction from him, but I still want to show love even from a distance, forgiveness, and change. To forgive you need only love. To love is to sacrifice. To change is to admit and be willing. I have forgiven. There is so much love where it seems like no love would exist on my part- and I don't know why after all this time it still is that way. On the opposite end there is only blame, manipulation, hurtful words and condemnation. Some part of me thinks next time it will be different, but I think that every time. It is so hard to keep on loving in the midst of that. I went back to my mom, hurt, and she just says the best things. Not things I want to hear, things that are true. She wishes it didn't have to be that way, but she is glad that I am learning. Even though I got hurt for trying again, she is says she is glad to see the love in my heart. The desire to see good in people and potential for change- but we can't change others, they have to want to better themselves. It's true. I just don't get after everything she went through for over 20 years how she still has such a good and positive attitude about life and she is also one of those people that just looks for the good when all that is visible is the ugly. I admire that. I voiced to her that I am so scared of turning out like him. Blaming other people in the end. Never forgiving. Never being willing to admit the past even if it doesn't have to define me. She said I'm already different, that I'm like the way I say she is. I hope she is right. It's so easy to end up like what we're used to, even when what we're used to is wrong. In the end, it's over with Jim. It's OK to let go of people.. to continue loving but not from right by their side. It's OK to seek safety and healing. It's OK to stop trying so hard. There is only so much we can do. He's really on his own now.. no easy choice.

It was always hard dealing with the fact that he was a part of so much damage, but on the other hand, where one is weak another is strong. Look at my mom.. what a wonderful woman. I still don't get it.. but I praise God for the good in the midst of the bad.

What I love

It's such a fabulous thing to feel like I am right where I need to be. Relationships with people: awesome. Family: super close, love for them extraordinary. My story is being written by God. Everything feels so perfect even when there are problems or sometimes there is pain, my life is so good. I have so much joy, but I am also so happy. I love my roommates. I love my small group(s). I love my relationship with my Creator that is only getting stronger. But really... more than anything I have realized what is most important in life and as I learn to sort out priorities and care first and most strongly for what matters most, it's amazing. It is honestly amazing. I am right where I need to be. There is only one thing I would change, just one. I wish I got to share this with my sister. But I understand there is a purpose for everything and in time, I pray it will get better. My love for her is unchanging. I wish that she could feel it. Overall though, it is not holding me back. I love life. I am so, so blessed. All the glory to the one who has allowed all this..... and for the simple things.

A Mother...

I'm not sure how or why it took me so long in my life to realize this, but I have one incredible mother. My mom is an incredibly strong woman. She is strong in heart, strong in perseverance, strong in love, strong in her work ethic. My mom is such a loyal woman. I really can't ever remember a time that I needed her and she wasn't there... if not physically, emotionally I knew she cared. And she was always honest. For a long time I didn't understand the depth of her love for me; it wasn't until I got older that I realized. I've walked with her through life, or rather she has walked with me. My entire life she has sacrificed so much for me. Growing up when I needed protecting, physically or emotionally, my mom defended me... even when I didn't deserve it. She never did lie to me though, and when I was wrong she would let me know so that I could learn, because she always wanted me to do what was right, what was true, and what was best. When I hurt, she hurt, but she helped me find healing. My whole life my mom has poured encouragement and praise into my life and reminded me I was doing a good job when all life fed me was lies. At a young age I became an over achiever because I felt like I had to please everyone, somehow, if I couldn't do that in other ways, but my mom loved me just the way I am, and while she was proud of my achievement she told me my grades and success did not define that. Success doesn't come from grades and things. I never had to earn her love, and I never will.

My mom has endured so much, for so long, and she is still pushing on with peace in her life. When she was 20 she entered a marriage that was physically and emotionally very dangerous, and got out of it fast. She didn't finish college but she worked so hard, for so long, and she has never stopped working hard even when everything might be going wrong. She's one of those people that can put on her work face and do her job when life hurts and you'd never know... and I love that about her. She was a stay-at-home mom until I was in 3rd or 4th grade, then she kept doing better and better at her job and advancing. Even though she didn't have some high paying job or a fancy title, she loved what she did and people loved her. I think they still love her. It's because she is fun and she puts her whole self into whatever it is she does. I never gave her enough credit for that. Sometimes people tell me I have my mom's work ethic... I don't know if she knows it, but that makes me really proud. I like being like her.

When I grow up and become a mom, I want to be like her. I want to always love my kids so strongly even when they "don't love me". I want to work hard so I can provide for them and give them a little extra even when it means I might be missing out on things... because if they are happy that is where my joy will come from. I want to build them up every day and listen to their days even when they drown on and on about pointless junk.. because it is their life and I love it. That's how my mom was to me. My favorite memories were sitting at the dining room table doing homework in junior high and telling her about my day. I don't know if she was always listening, but I don't think I ever said a single word without her truly hearing me.

I want to make my mama proud. I want to graduate strong, get my MA and do what I've always dreamed of. I don't know if all of my mom's dreams came true, but I think part of her dreams are watching ours come true. I want to show my mom I can be all I want to be, if I really keep on pushing even when it gets hard enough to make me want to quit. This past year, there have been SO many times I have wanted to quit. People close to me have tried to quit... but God didn't let them. Seeing my mom's response to that, and knowing all she has been through- and how if ANYONE in their right mind had a right to give up it was her, but she never did- that made me only EVER want to endure. No. Matter. What. I want to be strong like my mom. I want to have hope when no hope exists. I want to see light when all there is is darkness. I don't know where her hope comes from... but SOMETHING kept her hanging on all these years.

My mom put up with an abusive relationship for over 20 years so that WE would be alright. Thanks for providing mom. Thanks for enduring. Thanks for caring, for loving us enough to put us before yourself... and we turned out alright because you made sure we were alright. My mom lost her sister to cancer... and I think that's when I realized how much I love MY sister... she always told me I would hate my sister until probably I was in college and then she would be my best friend. I hope she's right. I want my sister and I to love each other as much as mom & Maggie did... they both fought such LONG, HARD battles. Maggie & mom were heroes. Maggie might have lost the battle... but she never gave up so in that way she won. Mom never gave up either. So they still are heroes.

My mom lost her mom last summer... and I have never seen her so sad. I can't blame her. Marie was the best mom on the planet. She is another story I will have to share someday... but my grandma is the definition of a good mom, and her husband a good dad. Mom had incredible parents.. I can't blame her for her sadness in losing them. But I realized... my grandma shaped my mom to be who she is. I want to be like my mom.
You know how you can learn so much from someone's mistakes? For a long time I was angry at my mom for her faults, for being weak.. but she never was. God gave her a wake up call in 2002 with her life on the line... but I don't really think that was her fault anymore.. I think it was HIS blessing. When I watch my mom learn, it teaches me things. Recently through talking to her... I have realized... I just want to know her so much more. I want to be so much closer to her. I want to learn from her and be guided by her and loved by her and do life with her. Now I am 21, she's not just my mom; she is my friend. There are no words for how much I love her. I just hope she's around for a long, long time. I love you, mom.

This is how we know what love is

That Christ died for us. I have been reading so much about love. Works of Love, as a matter of fact, and it really made me search deep within myself- how I love, how I am loved, what love really is and really needs to be. How love is our duty, to God (from God) and to people. What love really entails... love is deep.
It's true that it is so easy to love those who we want to love, those who we think are lovable--but what about those that aren't? Jesus didn't say to love only the people we want to love, the people we naturally care about; if that was so, love would not be a command. But real love loves deeply. It loves in spite of flaws, in spite of distinction, in spite of weakness and pain and annoyance and disability. Perfect love, it seems, loves and doesn't feel pain- perfect love is that love that lasts forever and is equal between two people, etc etc. I don't think that's what love is. I think perfect love is the love that Jesus shows to us- despite how undeserving we are, how flawed and far from perfect we are, how far we turn from him and how selfish we are, despite how we don't love him back even at all sometimes, despite time and sin and fault and how hurtful we can be to each other--and God, for he feels that--but His love endures. It endures so deeply that it was carried through torture, ridiculing and pain, all the way to DEATH. I cannot ever even begin to imagine a love greater--having suffered so much, sacrificed everything, and carried out to the end and again with new life- and we don't deserve it even a little bit. That doesn't change how much Jesus loves us, how much he had each one of us in mind while he was on that cross. We know what love really means because Jesus showed us, and he is still showing us. When a person, when GOD even loves us so deeply that he dies for us in our imperfection, how on earth can we be so selfish as to look at another with hate, with envy, with selfishness in thinking we don't get something back from the love we give to another. Why is it that we're so focused on how people make us feel, instead of freely giving and pouring into others. It's not about us.... it's not about if a person makes us happy, if they're smart or pretty or cool or entertaining enough to earn our love. We have never earned love- so instead of wanting something, why don't we just give?
I can't help but wonder what the world would be like if people opened their hearts to everyone, if people looked more deeply than the surface to the heart. Even then it's not about the heart. We are to love our enemies, even when they hate us. Our enemies are still people, they are still "our neighbors"- those around us that Jesus put for us to love. Instead we are so filled with selfishness and hate... we can't get beyond our own selfish desires and need for personal satisfaction. If everyone loved everyone the world wouldn't be what it is... I wonder if love would even be the same... if it would still seem special... but that is our command. You're probably thinking "That's naive". It shouldn't have to be some naive concept. Christianity and God's command to us is not naive. So much of it is distorted and reshaped into what we want things to mean that we view the world as God intended it to be as some naive daydream of sorts. Love.... we need to focus on what it really means, what we really receive, and refocus our eyes and our hearts not on our selves but first on God and all these things will make a lot more sense. When we love God, we have to love people. We cannot love God without loving people, and when we love people we love God, for God loves people. I think the question in the end is how are we really loving God.... and what really matters deep inside all of us.

This has by far been the craziest semester of my entire life. I had 19 hours but I also had the internship class which is a 3 credit hour work load by itself... not a horrible choice, but more hectic than I thought merely because of Preparation for Cross-Cultural Ministry. Rob loves to freak us out and think of any and every way to destroy us and rip apart our project... multiple times, even (esp.) when you do what he asks... BUT. It's still been manageable. Praise God for a good SFG with people who deeply & genuinely love each other, who take time to be friends, to pray for each other and invest in each others' lives outside of meetings. SFG has gotten me through this semester. Having a "real" adult mentor as a leader.... def. the way to go. Life has been something ridiculous. It's been an interesting experience with my sister and her cancer. She won't talk about anything, I mean anything, ever. Not how her day is going, how her relationship with God is, if/when she has appointments or even if it's gone after her surgery. Her response to everything is "none of your business". So, it is frustrating not knowing how to pray but praise God for the Spirit who knows us even when we don't even have words. My sister: I wish we were closer, with all my heart, but she won't let it happen (or so it seems). I'll never give up on her and there is nothing she can do to make me love her less. I will remain faithful in praying for her and doing what I can to be a good sister in anyway... even though I'm sure I fail a lot. December marks 11 months since I really talked to my dad. When I left in January I made a choice that things could not be the same for safety reasons.. and even for healing, it's hard not to talk to him. Even after all he's done, I wish that I could go back to him. I never understood why people want to keep on being involved with people who continually and DEEPLY hurt them- but my heart is forgiving and loving regardless and it has never stopped getting me in trouble. The other thing is that he is my biological father, he is all alone, his entire family left him, and even if they had legitimate reasons and he dug his own grave... I still feel bad for people who are all alone. He lost his house, I'm not sure where he will go... but it's over now. I might not even see him ever again. That's a hard thing to know how to pray for. And I'm not sure how or why... but some of those things have been making me miss Shauna a lot. I don't let it get to me, I can't let it get to me. But I still miss her more than I thought I would after two and a half years. God, has it really been that long? I understand her so much more now than I EVER did then. I wish I did then.

Still Small Voice

Lately I have been struggling through a LOT of scripture, concepts, and prayers. I do not ever want to (or want to try) to over analyze God in any way- his character, his purpose, his will, his instruction- but I don't always know where to stop with simplicity. One thing particularly that has been on my mind a lot lately is God's love, and how I desire for that to be enough for me. It is enough, but I wonder enough how. God's love is agape, it's infinite and unfailing, and God will never cheat on me or leave me... He's in it with me for life as long as I choose to love Him. That doesn't mean it's not a good thing for me to have people in my life to help me, to have fun with, to love- that's fellowship and a part of being one in a unified body of Christ. What I mean is I don't want to rely on other things for satisfaction or filling, I want to rely on God alone, and should those other things be a part, they are blessings. I see all of these things around me and I know God has a reason for blessing us with things aside from Him, things that are from Him, things to point us to Him. There is so much, so deep in my heart, my mind, my soul- not things that can just be said, things to struggle through. The concept of healing and praying and trusting, of faith and expectation, of our understanding and God's clarity... there are so many things. I just want to sit and read scripture for hours and hours and let Him speak to me. I do believe these things:

God's character is more complex than my understanding, but that does not mean He is a confusing God, rather that I am sometimes ignorant of all that He is. How could I not be? To know Him completely... can we even ever get there? I honestly don't know the answer to that question. But I know He knows me.

As far as confusion: God is not a God of confusion, so if I have prayed and I still don't feel that there is clarity, either I am missing something or God is not telling me for a reason...

If we pray and pray for something that seems within God's character, like healing for instance, and it doesn't happen, is that God's will? It goes against God's character for Him for His will or purpose to be for a person to suffer, that just does not make any sense. If it doesn't happen, does that also mean that we might be praying selfishly? One thing many of us have realized even this last weekend is that a lot of people who are friends of friends have cancer. LOTS and lots and lots. Many of them are young, some of them I know have died as young as 15. If we pray for a young person has not found salvation to know Christ intimately and/or be healed, how can that be selfish? I don't see how it can be selfish to want for someone to know God, or to not suffer...

These are things I have been struggling through with Christians here & there.. and I like it. I like trying to figure things out that we can't figure out because it draws me closer to God and helps me know Him more intimately. As far as all of this goes, for now it's a bit frustrating.... no one said understanding purpose or suffering was easy.... back to Compassion class. There is SO much to think about.

This reminded me of something we talked about at Fuel a few weeks ago (from Isaiah 30):
"God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,
has this solemn counsel:
'Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
in complete dependence on me—
The very thing
you've been unwilling to do.'
But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you.
He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones. "

Complete dependence on God.. stop trying to save ourselves.. that's something to contemplate. We need to wait upon the Lord and listen, and trust Him. What am I holding back at any given moment?

joy

It's little moments like the past hour that make me thankful for Lincoln. I love my roommate. I love the wise things she teaches me even though she doesn't realize it. It is so awesome being roommates with someone who is hilarious and fun but also spiritual in a way you want to learn from. She is LEGIT. I'm so sad we only get this semester together but heeeey it's great. I have an 8am class so it's ridiculous that I am still awake, but sometimes you just need to step back and look at your life, and praise God. There are so, so so many other things I am thankful for that just make me joyful and great... but not enough time to share. He is so good. I love the little things.

Reminders.

Tonight I learned a little about silence, when in those moments of stillness and quiet he spoke to my heart. He reminded me of so, so many things. He spoke to me about people in my life, about blessings that come from Him through others, and things he has blessed me with in my own life and character. He reminded me of ways that he works and how he saves. In those moments when you can't even feel anymore, and you just come and lay your life and everything before him- without any words or anything thoughts, just being in his presence- He moves. I realized how blessed I am. How thankful I am. How loved I am and how much love I have for him, for life, for others. When MOMENTS before I may have been feeling so beyond lost in chaos, I found myself feeling SO at peace, so good, and so assured that things are going to turn out great in His plan.. I stand amazed. I want to give Him more silence, I would suggest trying it, too. I have not spent nearly enough time listening.

I am having such a hard time.... I cannot go on without her. And I can't stand watching it happen. I am so lost, so confused, and so with unexplainable sadness. I knew in my heart for a long time this would happen... but I am so, so lost. I dunno what to do, where to go, or how to keep on loving. No matter what I do, besides pray, it feels hopeless. God IS enough... but it hurts that I know nothing I can dream of doing can change this situation. I'm so lost.

Beat me, I want to be a slave

(I wrote this for class and I got so passionate I just had to share it) Many times throughout the New Testament, Paul speaks of the Christian walk in athletic terms. The majority of the time Paul refers to this as running a race or enduring strict training. I completely agree with Paul that a servant leader should be a good athlete, one who goes through training and competing.
In 1 Corinthians 4:9, Paul refers to Christians as being on display ready to die in the arena. Think about the words "ready to die". Shouldn't we all be? So often Christians can be mocked, tried, and face a harder road then those who take the easy path in life; Paul is acknowledging that we have to be ready. As a Christ follower I know I will face trials, and I recognize it's for the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 9 is one of my favorite passages because I can personally relate to it. Having been an athlete, a runner in particular, I understand the strict training that goes into conditioning; it is hard work, physically and even emotionally. “Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it a slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize” (1 Corinthians 9:26-27). Praise the Lord for such a heart! Living for Christ is certainly not something that is easy, but this attitude about training and willing to make my body a slave, perhaps even beat myself up a little for Christ, is so intense. That is what I desire whole heartedly. It is a challenge, but bring it on! We are running and competing for something that is worth fighting for.
In Galatians 2:2 Paul explains how he went to Jerusalem to speak with elders and be sure he was not “running the race in vain”. He wanted things to be right, to be sure that his message was effective. This makes me think of conditioning. It would be so terrible to know that after so much hard work and drainage, that it was all for nothing. Paul does not want this, so he is taking action. I pray that the life I live is not in vain either, but that my ministry may be effective and real.
1 Timothy 4:7-8 speaks more of a spiritual athlete. I love it! Surely it is not a bad thing to physically train my own body, but to train myself to be godly is so much more crucial. All of our labor and everything we have ever worked for in a spiritual sense is for Christ. In this verse, I feel as though Paul brings everything together to make the idea of athletic training a reality in spirituality. Paul is saying this is it, what we run after and make ourselves a slave to: Jesus Christ. I cannot express the passion these verses put into my heart. I am thinking of a song that says “to know and follow hard after you… lead me on and I will run after you”. The song reminds me of this athletic metaphor so much. I do not just want to follow Christ; I want to run after Him. I do not just want to try and be a better person; I want to go into strict training. I am willing to work and break myself down until it hurts because it will build me up and make me so much stronger in the end.
Hebrews 12:1-2 seems like the perfect way to wrap up this idea of running after Christ. “And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” Paul is saying we have to try hard. We have to compete for the eternal prize, we have to fight off sin and worldliness and just keep our eyes on the goal. It's worth the run.

the pslam of my life

I feel so much like David right now, just crying out to God, How long will you make me endure this? How long are you going to make me suffer in so much pain and discomfort until you save me? I've been praying and praying and praying and begging you to heal me but you continue to let me suffer. I know You won't give me anything I can't handle, and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I am in so much physical pain I can hardly function and I try so hard to just keep going with my life but it's holding me back. The best part, God, is that we can't even find the source of the problem. I know it's there. YOU know it's there. There have been times when I'm even brought to tears because of this. I don't question your faithfulness.. not for one minute. I don't know what I have to do so that you'll take this away from me. I'm really ready and willing to do anything. God, please save me.

How SWEET

My Chains are gone, I've been SET FREE! My God, My Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood HIS MERCY REIGNS! Unending love, AMAZING grace. <3

Break my heart for what breaks yours... (The LONG Overview)

ROMANIA!!
On May 15th I left Eastview Christian Church in Normal, Illinois alongside many of (125 others (there were 4 flights total). With a HUGE team, we knew long ago that God was going to do marvelous things in Romania. Brandon Grant, our awesome leader and youth pastor, calulated that through the church meetings, support letters and so on over 16,000 people were praying for us! WOW. Later on you will see the power of prayer.

We stayed in a church called Centrul Crestin Salem in Oradea, Romania. It was way better than most of us expected, because we had beds and rooms with showers. That was where we slept. During the day our teams traveled to the Roma Village of Tinca to work with Gypsies (it is offensive to call them this, so I will be referring to them as the Roma from here on out). Our teams did a variety of different projects including: Painting, building a playground and a fence, and sorting clothes- all at the Isaiah Center (the orphanage/children's home in Tinca), building a house, building 21 outhouses, building a roof, leading Vacation Bible School, Sports camp and more in the Tinca village. Personally, I worked with VBS all but one day (Monday-Friday), when i painted at the center. We did a variety of activities with the children. There were beach balls and frisbees, there was coloring and laughter, holding hands and running and dancing. These children absolutely loved the Chicken Dance, The Macarana, Who Let the Dogs Out and One Day! They listened to those songs over and over and never got enough. It was such a humbling experience to dance and praise God with those children! To see the light and joy still shining in the eyes of these children and these people who have been SO abused, outcast, neglected and hurt for SUCH a long time really breaks you. It really made me think about where that joy in my life had gone. It really gets you thinking and understanding that hope can still be the light when all you see is darkness. It shows you that Jesus is that light, and he penetrates all that IS the darkness. I have seen God move in this place so strongly I can hardly believe my own eyes, but I promise all I speak is truth. I have witnessed these things.

First off, the very first day in the village we were picking up trash in acres of field so the Roma would have a better place to live. My friend Randy had really hurt his ankle a short time ago, sometime with the bone or something of the sort, and he was in a lot of pain. Some of our team members gathered around him and prayed healing over him and touched him, and his ankle was fine the rest of the week. It went from serious pain to nothing at all, just like that. It can only be God.

It couldn't have been later than Tuesday in the village, we were playing with a beach ball in a circle of young children. One of the little girls, and gosh she was beautiful, did not seem to respond to any thing we said or did to her. I grabbed a translator and one of my little friends told me she was deaf.. she hadn't been able to hear or speak for a long time. So she was deaf and mute, from a very serious on going ear infection. Later that day one of my friends was holding her in her arms, just hugging and praying over her. A circle of Roma children gathered, as well as a few from our team, and wanted to pray for her. The translator asked them "Do you believe that Jesus can do miracles? Do you believe that he has the power to heal children like this?" and they said "DA! DA!" (Yes, yes!). So they gathered and we put our hands on her. I held my hands on her ears and prayed and prayed that God would show his glory in this place, that he would come down and work through us not only to heal and help this poor child but to do a miracle in the presence of so many children that they may come to know Him and His power. I prayed that He would work in the life of this child that her story could be a testimony, that she may witness and bring light to those around her. and hope. I prayed that his glorious works would bring the Roma people, so lost and outcast, to believe in Him. And I prayed and prayed that He would work his magic because I had no doubt in my mind that He had the power to do ANYTHING. When we finished praying, we snapped our fingers and whispered and such-- no repsonse. The Bible says that having a childlike faith is the key, and we need to be more like THIS child-- the one who said "PRAY AGAIN!" and was not willing to stop until he saw God work in her. So again we prayed.. and prayed and prayed hard. I prayed all my will and held the ears of that child and prayed love and hope over her.. and I Knew God would work. when we stopped, someone yelled to her and to our amazement, she turned around and looked at them! She could hear all of us when we spoke to her! Someone came up and called to her, and she answered back in Roma and ran away. Her ears and started draining when we were praying too.. not only did God heal the deaf but also the mute. What a two-for-one! HOW AMAZING!!! I have never witnessed a miracle but I was there.. and it happened. He healed this child. I am so blessed to be able to touch her along with the others and pray over her... and that moved me the most.

We played with children in the village all throughout the week. I adored singing and praising God with them, even though they didn't speak english. They still raised their hands to the sky, jumping up and down and singing- praising God with what they knew. I have never praised God so hard in my life with that kind of joy, happiness, excitement and thankfulness. And every time I hear one of those songs I will see their smiles and their faces. Every time.. I miss them.

On Friday night instead of going back to Oradea, we stayed in Tinca and showed them the Jesus Film. It's a universal film in soooo many different langauges. So, in a back yard we gathered together, hundreds of our precious children and their parents and grandparents and friends, and watched this film in Romanian. They watched as Jesus did miracles like they'd seen this week. They watched and he followed God even in the end when it was troubling. They watched as he was beaten and nailed to the cross because he loves them.. and they got it. There were 21 lives commited to Jesus that night, and 21 lives that will be forever changed. How glorious God is! To see those people humbled, bowed face down before him and weeping.. and understanding the love they never received anywhere else.. to see that they KNEW and accepted the long lost hope was amazing. I cannot put it into words. I am so moved.

While God has done so much in that place, and we had to leave on May 24th to depart back to Budapest and then to the states, I am SO sure that He has not left the village of Tinca. I have utmost faith that God is going to continue to move and work in that place, fixing broken lives, healing broken hearts and bringing the lost and lonely back to Him. They have finally found the food that will nurish them for a long time. They finally found the love that has been so long lost. They finally found a reason. And that reason is not going to leave them-- no He is going to stay there, remaining with them right by their sides and in their hearts until the end. And it's not over.

The more I look back and think about all the wonderful things God has done, the more I realize.. He has done soooooo many incredible things. I mean absolutely incredible. The types of things you might really think impossible but God can do it because He is so much bigger, so much more capable than we are able to comprehend.

Upon leaving, I did not cry and I couldn't figure out why since most all 125 of my team members were. I just could not process what had happened- all that I'd seen and come to know--until today when I was traveling back home. I was sitting in the car listening to "Came to the Rescue" by Hillsong. The Lyrics go like this:

Falling on my knees in worship giving all I am to seek your face Lord, all I am is yours

My whole life I place in your hands God of mercy humble I bow down In your presence at your throne

I called, you answered and you came to my rescue and I wanna be where you are

In my life, be lifted high In our world, be lifted high In our love, be lifted high
_______

I'm not sure why, but this song broke me. It brought me to my backseat where all my dorm room was sitting- to the realization that I probably owned more things just in one room than 5+ families in Tinca all together. It made me realize that the worship I was taking a part in way so whole hearted because of the joy I felt from God in reaching those people... I called to him for a reason, a way. He put the Romania trip in front of me so heck yes I did it. He answered and gave me a reason and a way to live, to move and breathe. He gave me my heart's desire.. to love and be loved. I asked and begged to be where he was.. and he was in the village. I gave up my life to follow Jesus and I didn't care what that meant. I still don't care. I will lay down my life to reach those who are lost and broken.. those who need Jesus more than ever! Like Jesus said, it isn't the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. It is not those who are alright and have it easy-going that need him- it is those like the Roma people. So while I drove home today I cried.. I cried that I had a car, food, clothing, a family and love all around me and I could still be discontent while they had NOTHING, NOTHING!! and still had such joy. I cried thinking some of those precious babies that I fell in love with might be abused tonight. I cried that they might think we left them Just like everyone else but at least they know that God will remain with them and He doesn't have to "come back" to the States with us.I cried because my body is here but my heart is still there. Because I did fall in love with Sandra, Tabitha, Choo Choo, Maria, Samuel, Abel, Florica, Ella, Naomi, Bobby, Ana etc etc and I could not take them back with me! I cried that Rachel Ross who runs Forget Me Not ministries is still over there working and I'm over here. I want to be there. I want to be with those children and hold them tight and sing to them and pour my heart and soul into them because that is what Jesus would do. I want to get dirty playing with them because they are filthy. I want to hug them and hold them close to me, under my chin and not care if they have lice or any other skin of disease because God is going to take care of me and it doesn't matter (by the way, all the hugging and holding.. i never got lice! and neither did ANYONE on my team)! I want to play with them and dance and shout to God and smile and cry because He is moving there. I want them to know, eternally, how loved they are and how much they matter. I hope they can see how in love we were with them so long before we even got there.. to see the faces of the children I fell in love with through prayed moved me!! They were so excited just to see an outhouse or a few bricks made out of dirt and straw! That's what they live in.. whatever they can find! I pray that all those I know can take a look around and even in what our country claims to be "poverty", feel more blessed than ever because they might realize the abundance of what is theirs. Really, I feel guilty having the internet, TV, an Ipod, a car, clean clothes and socks and shoes and underware and a bed with sheets and a house with air conditioning and a roof.. because they don't. And I know.. I am so blessed. God has moved in me, and in my team and in all those hundreds of Roma people. I pray that you can come to know we must NEVER underestimate the power of God. I witnessed an up close miracle, similar to those performed by Jesus in the New Testament. It is real, HE IS REAL!! There is no limit to what he can do. It is true we have reached a small portion of Romania.. but as a missions major it is my heart's desire to continue to reach out to every person I can. He called us to love, and love is just what this world needs. Love makes all the difference.

With 126 young adults and students in Romania, the worst that happened was 2 people got sick (one from Tinca food and the other from low immunity in general) and some bags were left on a bus. Praise God!! He took good care of us! And He DID move.. 11 members of our team got baptized in a Tinca river, and one awesome chick gave her life to Christ! I'll just throw in the offical stats from Brandon (some for fun):
- 11 people baptized from our team (Tiffany, Alisha, Caryn, Kyle, Melissa, Luke, Michelle, Beau, Seth, Jessie, Micah)
- 1 person accepted Christ from our team (Caryn)
- 1 person rededicated their life to Christ from our team (Rachael Abraham) and maybe even more that I'm not aware of!
- 21 Roma people accepted Christ as Savior after watching the Jesus film
- Hundreds and hundreds of Roma came to watch the Jesus film exposing them to the Gospel message of Christ
- 1 child was healed from being deaf and mute through prayer
- 1 team member had his foot healed from prayer (Randy)
- 52 extra bags of stuff were brought to donate to the Roma (clothes, soccer stuff, stuffed animals, blankets, toys, etc.)
- $225,000 was raised by the team meaning an extra $20,000 was given to Forget Me Not Ministries, which is equivalent to $40,000 in Romanian currency
- Hundreds of children attended VBS and Soccer Camp
- 21 outhouses were built
- 1 house was completely built
- 1 new roof was put on a home
- 1 new fence built at the Isaiah Center
- 4 new walls were mudded on the inside of a home
- 1 playground was built
- An entire orphanage (the Isaiah Center) was painted completely both on the exterior and interior
- 2 new gardens were planted
- 126 of us stormed onto a Budapest city tram and city bus!
- Mafia became the game of choice with nearly a hundred games of it being played
- Infinity is the closest number of times kids were thrown up in the air, as well as times we heard the Macarena, Who Let the Dogs Out and the Chicken Dance!!!

Please remember God is so much bigger than we are, and He is so capable of ANYTHING! He is good :)

...and I found Victory in Him

I wasn't going to put this in here but I feel like it's another important reason why God is so good.. and it's overcome- so here it goes...

I had no idea what to expect coming into Romania. There was a long time when I didn't even want to go on the trip but Sarah kept talking to me about putting my yes on the table (and now I am so glad I did). This school year was ridiculously hard, but it's over (PTL!). I had been battling depression, pretty hard, since my sophomore year of High School. This past semester especially I got really scared. I was afraid people would be able to look me in the eye and see what I was thinking or how I was hurting.. and know. What I was thinking was that I didn't want to do life anymore. It really terrified me to ever feel that way, and I always put it in the back of my mind because I knew better.. I knew God was on my side and He'd save me-and he always did. But the further on into the semester I got, the more I found myself thinking about it, and the more it scared me. I spent more time away from my friends because I didn't want them to ask me questions. I quit Pneuma because I knew my passion/joy was obvious to that family.. and they were going to wonder where it went. I even wondered.. and I was scared to death someone with discernment would identify my temptation so I wasn't going to have it. It was dumb to run when I'm sure they would only have wanted to help.. but that's what happened. I prayed about it a lot, but I don't think I ever gave it up fully. I tried to fight it myself but I wasn't strong enough. We, are never strong enough. I never realized how capable God is of victory over ANYTHING.. there came a point when I'd spend 2 or 3 hours thinking about what life would be like without me.. how it wouldn't matter or that I wouldn't be missed or just how things might be better if I wasn't around. I spent too many moments each day spacing out and thinking what I could or couldn't do. and there came a point in the beginning of May that scared me to death. I was hanging out with Sarah in her room that weekend because Michelle was gone but really I didn't trust myself to be alone. Just throwing this out here.. I'd never have the guts to do anything stupid to myself or hurt myself, and besides that I could never give up on God.. but the temptation was enough for me and there were points when I was really afraid I would- but yet I knew I wouldn't.. and I didn't know. I dunno if that makes sense but maybe it does to someone. I never told Sarah this until last week. She knew about this battle but I didn't tell her for months and months. And she's an amazing best friend by the way. I remember just telling myself to hang in there for another few minutes, then an hour, then a night.. and soon it was days and weeks. I remember thinking I don't know if I'll be around for Romania.. and I didn't care. And it was only 2 weeks away. That weekend was the all time low.. it's like God was telling me it has to get worse before it could get better, and I just have to endure it a little longer. It was as though He was saying Just hang on! Don't let go.. don't let go. I promise it's almost over. And I'm sitting thinking no, I really can't do this... I can't make it any longer I'm not strong enough.. I can't.. But I did. He helped me. So how does this relate to Romania...?

It was thursday night.. we were singing this song. Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city. And there is no one like our God (i think those were the words anyway). All of a sudden when I was singing.. I was filled with joy, passion and goodness unlike anything I've ever felt- ever. I was brought to tears but not like happy or sad tears, they were God in me tears. Really hot.. but good. and I thought of those precious girls I fell in love with- Tabitha and Sandra. And I thought of where God'd brought me and how he used me. And I felt suuuuuch a sense of purpose and reason (maybe more than I ever had). I just praised Him from somewhere deep in my heart with emotion stronger than I knew.. I can't explain it. It was the best feeling like in the world... ever. I really cannot describe in words how good it feels to have had that weight of dread, of fear, of worthlessness and ugly.. stupid unloved.. whatever.. on my shoulders for YEARS... and all of a sudden just have it lifted. I didn't realize for a few days.. but I knew I felt freakin awesome and asked what was different.. My body felt WAY better.. my spirit oh man.. strong and high and full of rejoice and awesomeness.. and I asked God what was different. This is what He told me (read it like it's God speaking):

"Thank you for holding on, I knew you could make it. It did have to get worse before it could get better. Remember when I told you "Just a little longer?" see? I meant it... it's over. Once you stopped trying to fight it on your own, I took over. Didn't you know I was strong enough? I love you.. and I never wanted to see you hurt like that. All those times you 'gave it up' it was never fully.. and I never liked watching you suffer but listen. Now you are stronger. Now you have joy beyond anything you've ever experienced. You have faith assurance that there is hope.. that there is light in the darkness. You know I am that light, and you know I can penetrate anything. You know there is always a reason and a way. You know your purpose, and you have a new defintion of love. I know you're wondering why you had to endure this.. think about your story. Think about how it might help someone else. You never thought you'd make it but here you are. You won't have to do this again.. it's over. You're ok, and I'm here with you, always. I love you.."

What a freakin' awesome God!!! I dunno how to explain but I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW it's over.. for good. I had this feeling all along .. i dunno that "hope in the darkness" that one day things would be better but I didn't want to believe it. Now I KNOW. I believe it, I am assured. Pretty much that night, that thursday and worship- most significant like ever to me.. That's the ONLY thing I needed.. the one thing I've craved and prayed for and hoped and desired and uh... God did it. It seemed impossible to me.. how silly.. and He kicked that crap out of satan and won. He is victory. I remember at fuel once, them going through the "I used to battle ____ but I fully surrendered it to Christ and I found victory in Him." RIGHT HERE! God is so big. Nothing is too big or too much or impossible for Him. NOTHING. I believe in healing, in forgiveness, in victory and strength and reason and purpose.. I believe in Him. I think anything can happen.. I've seen it. He's full of [awesome] surprises. I wish I could have told this story earlier. I was still afraid.. but God.. He is a sweet deal. I know my victory in Him should be shared.

*sigh* I pretty much feel (more than ever) thankful, hopeful, happy, joyous, full of praise, helpful, meaningful, loved, strong, needed, (that I have enough) worth, sense of reason and purpose, full OF LOVE.. and it's unending.. ready to be poured out.

I am so in love with God. I'm sitting here smiling and even laughing.. at life. I can't look back and understand how I've never felt this way before.. so good! I am praying that one day every person alive can see life in this way and understand.. it's all because of Jesus I'm alive.


and I am alive.

It's so good to be able to breathe again...


Romania update coming in the next few days.

Ah, God

On the way home tonight I was listening, as I often do, to Hillsong. For some reason though this song came on when I had some particular people on my mind..

Hide me now, under your wings
cover me, within your mighty hands

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father you are king above the flood
and I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone
Know his power, in quietness and trust

and I just kept on thinking and thinking. It's so easy sometimes not to trust God when things are hard. I sponsored a jr high believe this weekend and one of the things our group talked about was silence, about how often it is the stillness where God moves in us and speaks to us the most. quietness and trust.. it seems so simple but its hard. Only in Jesus..

What IS it about stillness?

what else is there?

Lately it seems like I've had so much on my mind I haven't been able to think straight. Life is wonderful, school is amazing and I am very blessed. I have really been considering what I want to do with my life and how I can use my spiritual gifts for God's glory. It seems like God reveals things to me a little at a time that make a big difference in where I'm going or what I should be doing and that's really okay with me. I love it when He throws things out there and I have to change my course because it's exciting to discover things and to be led, in a sense, when I am lost. Part of me just really wants to figure things out now so I don't have to turn around and go the opposite direction later, but it comes down to me really trusting Him with my life and understanding that I might not get it now but if I follow when He leads me and answer when He calls me, it is going to be very benefical.

Emotionally sometimes I think I am losing it. I guess joy is something I don't completely understand yet (I'm talking about joy from and for God). I that it is there more than anything- it's more than just a feeling- it does feel GREAT- but it includes having hope, faith/certainty, happiness and love. It is so strong a lot of the time that I feel like it is bursting out of me and I can't help but smile and I feel like I am shining. The reason it confuses me kind of is because I don't always know where it comes from. (Obviously from God, but I mean at random times it just IS there). This isn't going to make sense, but it seems like it's stronger when I am sad or going through a difficult time. It's not like I can't be sad, because joy is different than happiness, but it's never as intensly. All I know is that I'm very thankful that I have it and it only becomes stronger everyday- the more I learn and realize.

It's funny to me that I went to youth group for 4 years and was involved in every sunday school lesson, bible study, youth group attending and leading, trip, service or whatever- I took every chance I got- because I thought that by "doing" all those things I'd be closer to God. Don't get me wrong I was on a spiritual high for a lot of high school but I realized more when I came to LCC that those weren't the things that affected it. It was when I stepped away from all the group things and really looked at my personal relationship with Him. It is the time in a group where I stop and think about what everything means, what God deserves and all I have to give Him. It is that Bible study that is one on one where we search deep down into the word to understand what God is really telling us and how He is leading us rather than just skimming over it in my free time <- that sounds like I don't know how to read the Bible devotionally but what I mean is that sometimes when you read alone you still don't get it until you go over it and over it. Those are the things that just set me on fire.. because that is how I've realized more and more who God really is and what He has done and His call for my life. I am nothing. I am not special. I am just a sinner, someone so unworthy of it all. He is EVERYTHING, and there is nothing else. Nothing else matters. Even though I suck and don't deserve His grace, He is GOD and has given it to us all because He loves us. And understanding what that means is everything, too. He is so awesome and there aren't even words..

..There aren't even words.

A joyful noise

That is my favorite kind of noise. It is such a blessing to have ears and to be able to HEAR music let alone humans having the ability to create such wonderful sounds. I'm in love with music. I feel like inside that is all I am. Psh, I can't "make" music very well.. not in the singing or playing aspect that I know of.. but still I am always singing and smiling and that's because it's like this: inside me, constantly, there is a song. A heartsong. And songs are just amazing. I absolutely love when people sing and play instruments like guitar or drums or something..I always feel it. It's taking something simple and making something beautiful just like that. I appreciate music in every aspect... it is what draws me the closest to God.

I think about this random stuff all the time. But just a little while ago we were playing pool and i'm singing like a little kid into the pool stick like a huge dork, and didn't care. I am so happy majority of the time. That joy is expressed through music, with music. But worship is always on my mind. I even think about it when i'm falling asleep or when i wake up or when i'm brushing my teeth. Before that we were sitting in the warehouse doing nothing and i was still sitting there singing random things. But its great and i'm joyful. At least, I have noticed that such a thing only happens when I am experiencing great joy. I love it..

After loving God (praising Him), being loved by Him and perhaps equal to laughing- music is definitely my favorite thing.

there's a fire inside

The only way to describe what I feel like right now is I feel like i'm going to explode. God keeps doing soooooo soooooooo sooooOOOO!!!! much cool weird amazing life changing revolationary STRANGE freaky awesome things in my life.. seriously one thing after another after another and i keep on thinking it cant get any cooler or weird-er or better than this and it does. It's the sweetest thing because I know he's only doing "freaky" stuff because He knows I understand it. I feel like God keeps literally speaking to me in this one way and I can feel now like I know how t answer it and respond and just GO when He tells me to go do something. Let me put it this way. If I'm supposed to go talk to someone or do something like "the time is right" i'm just supposed to be in the right place at the right time and He says do this NOW, I can feel it and I do it and the benefits from listening to God- DUDE I can't put them into words. You just know. It's like you and God and nothing else matters but to be able to hear God and listen to Him when He tells you something is a SURE way to bring you closer and closer when you think you're already like a part of Him you're so close.. but it still gets better. If i haven't exploded yet when I get to Heaven haha.. Seriously though. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo in Love with GOD with JESUS that I KNOW for sure nothing can EVER EVER seperate me from HIM from His love and it is THE SWEETEST THING ever. I will never love God any less than I love Him now. That passion that He has shown me I had in my heart and soul over the past 2 weeks, just the past 2 days and even as of right now.. the past hour or so. GOD is soooo incredible. I don't have words.. there aren't even words in existence to express the way that I feel right now. All I know is that what I know what I found out and what he showed me today, nothing else in this whole life matters. This is it. Now I am here, I found it. It's not going away. It's only going to get better even when it gets worse, esp. when it gets worse. DUDE. I almost feel like I don't know who I am right now, but I know myself way better. confusing as it can get. And like I said, the sweetest thing. I love God He is the best ever.

He called, we answered.

I'm writing from St. Louis (area). We (some bivocational missions majors) have an opportunity this weekend to work with an organization (Freedom From Within) to reach out. Today we went to the festival of the Nations. I am accepting of what other religions are so I'm not trying to bash them. I just know there is only one truth and one way to eternal life.

Sarah talked to a girl that said that in the Islamic religion they really can't tell regardless of their dedication and lifestyle if they'd go to heaven or hell.. and they dont even know if the prophet muhammad went to heaven or hell. By the way, he was a child molester, muhammad. I don't understand. Why, regardless of what part of the world they grew up in, would someone devote their life to such uncertainty and relationless-ness (I just made that a word)? some rock hard foundation there, right? so what do they live for? As a Christian I live everyday for the joy God put into my soul due to knowing that He loves me abundantly, that He gave me eternal life, that I am SAVED and I am going to heaven, that I have a good, personal relationship with Him- and certainty. I KNOW Him! In Islam, There is no real hope, considering the major target of the religion to wipe out Chritianity and the cross (not to say that is everyone's intention, that would be sterotypical)- not a whole lot of peace, no salvation.. i dont understand. and if they want to convert out of being muslim they get persecuted, killed, or excommunicated..

..

I'm just sort of lost on the issue I guess.

some world. We've got to reach everyone because that is what we're called to do over and over, and i just hope God can use me (and us as a team) again somehow. I know He can. Pray for them. It's going be crazy in the future if we don't do something. I don't want anyone coming into MY church and ripping down the cross that THE GOD sent His son to die on for MY SALVATION and eternal life. Its not gonna go down that way..plus, what is up with all this loud speaker/prayer being allowed when Christians cant tell anyone what they believe at work, or pray in school, or read their bibles in a lot of places because it's pushing religion onto others? They considered taking one nation under "GOD" out of the pledge of alligence, thats what this country is FOUNDED on and there is so much ridicule of us as Christians now days.. we we're not supposed to be open about it so we dont 'offend others' even though we're a FREE country? are we even, anymore? But check out dearborn, MI.

At the least I know i understand the religion a lot more now and I know what I will absolutely not sit back and watch whats coming, happen.

Just a question of what to do now?


On another note, on the way back to the host family's house- we got lost LITERALLY about 8-10 times. That would be funny, but each time we drove quite a distance in the wrong direction due to poorly marked exits etc. I guess it was funny. But we're here now.

Last night the worship guys were down here too and it was very cool getting to stay in a house with them and everyone getting to know each other more. At LCC we talk but we don't get a chance to really hang out because everyone is always so busy. Yup, God is awesome. He does pretty sweet things. Sometime soon maybe sarah or I will blog more about the actual encounters today but thats all for now.

How Exciting!!!!!!

BEFORE
AFTER
God is amazing

I don't usually cry for these kind of things, even though they are so awesome. But today Liz Howard got baptized and I'm just so excited and thankful and full of joy for her! It was fantastic. That girl rocks!

ciy and stuff

I only had a camera phone but here are my pictures from an utterly amazing week, better than any one yet in my life.

LIFE IS GOOD!

IT'S BEEN SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (does anyone actually read blogs anymore?)

Life is FANTASTIC. I am in love with Jesus. God does so much for me and He is amazing and is working SO much in my life and I feel like He is using me in a lot of different ways! And that makes me excited.

Last week was LRCA. It was amazing. I've never been so satisfied with one week of camp out of the 11 that i've done. So rock on, God!In a week and a half I will be going up to Camp Grow, and I can't wait! I'm a little nervous about driving up there alone but i'm sure i'll be fine.



Sidenote: I hope by the time I turn 21 I am doing something awesome with my life. Not that life isn't great now, because I really think it is fantastic. I just want to step out and do something crazy awesome and different. and love it. And then well, I'll be even happier! So, life is great. I hope everyone is having an awesome summer and a good time up at camp (sarah mandy cheryl michelle kelly and rachel). I miss you guys but I'll see you soon!

Don't forget to make the most out of everyday, and LOVE IT. You only live once and you never know when it's over. Plus we're young.. so live it!

-Beth

yeah!!!

I remembered my password finally :) Goin to Seattle next wed. and i wont be back until the 16th. First REAL vacation of my life and it's 100% SOLO. I'm really really really really really really (etc.) excited!!!!! I can not WAIT to see my favorite cousin ever! and visit my #1 school!!! It's going to be the BEST EVER! I can't wait for this, really! I hope I am as in love with this school as I think I will be, and that they offer me a lot of $! This rocks :)

God is Amazing

It's just like I said. I can never count the amount of blessing God has given to me, or the numerous things He has done in my life. All I can say is I am ever so thankful to have such a truly great savior, best friend and hero. It's so true that God will never ever leave you or forsake you no matter what on earth you think you might be going through, how close you might be to becoming so far away or slipping, or even when you hide from Him. No matter what you do, God is still right there, never leaving your side, loving and protecting you through the good times and the bad. I honestly believe that God has saved my life more than one time (besides when I became a Christian). I was told in Novemeber that scientifically speaking there is absolutely no way that I (or the other girls in my cabin at snowball did not die 3 hours before we woke up in the CO leak/poisoning. I know I have never ever felt like that in my life. I know when I was chillin in that ambulence, still outside of cabin I that I felt closer to God than I think I ever have before and more.. comfortable with the fact that I was surely going to Heaven when I died.. what I mean is there wasn't a doubt in my mind at that moment that if God took anymore (which would have been the rest) of my breath away, that I'd just meet Him at His side and I was comfortable with that.. that i seriously was "dying". There was this conversation and vision in my head too. I don't want to say what it was like though because it was so trippy and personal I guess but all I remember is seeing my friends for what i honestly thought was going to be the last time and saying I love you.. and thanking God for the things he's done in my life. Obviously it wasn't my time cuz I made it and so did every other girl in that cabin including 2 good friends and one of my good guy friend's little sister. I am just so thankful we were all ok. That was one of the worst yet interesting and almost cool experiences of my life... a real near-death-experience.. and God was RIGHT THERE i'm telling you He was RIGHT THERE with me. But I know he's with me everyday.. at all moments and in everything I do. I guess I've just been extra thankful as I look around and see what's going on in the lives of myself and others. Even though things might be crappy as can be at home most times.. I have a family that loves me..a mother that loves me to death, 2 sisters and 3 brothers.. all of them are my REAL family..and cousins. I have friends that love me that would do anything for me. I have so much going for me even if I don't wake up everday and see it. Some people see me as an overachiever but I guess I just really care about where I'm going in life. It's not that I care too much it's just that I always want to be the best I can be no matter what. I run track now and I get fed up with the girls who just stop and walk when they "get tired". To me I think I always have to push myself to make myself better. YES IT IS GOING TO HURT ME I know that.. thats how you get stronger. My friend even threw up at practice i was so proud lol but anyway I've had SO much determination and motivation lately just to go at everything hard. I've been doing things I never really thought I could do... getting things done, finishing what I start. I have to say esp. with track I thought I was going to quit 2 or 3 days later but it's been a little while now and I like it cuz it feels like it's getting better and easier. Plus I like running.. people ask me how can i like it and i say how can you not if you're on the team but anyway. Soccer baby once conditioning starts.. but track practice is so much more intense i will take all those girls down once we start conditioning. It's not about that but I've got this competitive spirit this year. I want to win it sooooooo bad! I actually care about State and regionals and sectionals. I KNOW for a fact we can do it, because we are going to try, and we are going to work and suffer and practice until we get it and until we are disciplined as a team.. and whoever is captain whatever.. but I will make sure of it. Go hard or go home.. I guess I'm a "real athlete" now. It all started when I had to suffer watching the football team goin down this year. No we're going to go in BELIEVING we can do it because we can, and we will. When you believe you can achieve LOL. Like it says in Phil. 4:13 "I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength" so check it out.. we're gonna kick butt. And I hope that we can love each other and be a team and a family cuz that just makes it better. I love soccer so much and I love the girls on the team last year I just hope they can get along.. dun dun dun dun.. So now I just thank God for the good spirit He has seriously given me. I just want to try and achieve and do good things and thats all.. my attitude has been so positive I dunno where it came from but it's awesome and it makes every day I wake up that much better. He's the best ever. Really.

boo to missing people

I'm sure anyone who reads this can attest that it sucks to miss people. I was talking to Paul tonight, and he's in Korea.. so it's not like I can see him anytime soon. Plus he goes straight to Spain after Korea so he wont be back inLes Etats Unis until 2009! It's just one of those things I guess where you wait SOOOO long to hear from someone, then when you do you miss them more. Bummer... I guess Adam ran away from home and he's sleeping in a drain gutter or something, no one's seen him, just "heard". Please pray for them.. that's my brother and im worried about him a lot.

discussion

Tonight when we talked about forgiveness, Josh brought something up that I'm not sure I have ever really thought about. I mentioned that the people I find hardest to forgive are the ones who you forgive but they keep on hurting you, and you have to keep on forgiving them. If they keep hurting you then are they really sorry? BUT God didn't say forgive your brother when he sins against you if he's sorry, he said forgive your brother... and even if that means "seventy-seven times" keep on. Anyway.. those people that keep on sinning against you. Hellllllllllo! We're all human. We all keep on sinning because we're not perfect. And God has to keep on forgiving all of us. He didn't send Jesus to die on the cross for the people who love him, He sent Jesus to die for the forgiveness of EVERYONE's sins.. those who love him and those who don't. And He will keep on forgiving us as many times as it takes because He's God. What Josh said was something along the lines of did we ever think maybe it's hard for God to forgive us? We will keep on screwing up, keep on sinning.. but He'll still forgive us. God is awesome. It's just to do what He would do sometimes. Gotta try though.